Season 5 Kickoff with Parker Roach

by Hogwild_Rampage | 1 year ago | 0 Comments

Today we talk to Orlando Wizards’ owner Parker to discuss his week one victory over the rival Houston Oilers.


1. Here in season 5 you have finally claimed a win over Seth. What would you like to say to Seth and your haters?


A: “Many people forget that Seth used to be my little bitch. I would slap his bitch ass around like a leather-dawning dominatrix and make his beg for more. Now, in the new Madden, Seth discovered an exploit, and started using 5 hot routes a game like a MUT bitch. I just think it’s funny that now that the rules are set to make the game more sim, I beat him in our first game of the season. Eat my ass, greenduk.”


2. What were the keys to winning that game? Did you approach it any differently?


A: “I approached this game like any other, and banked on the fact that Seth wouldn’t be able to call 8104720 hot routes per play like usual. Then, I used the tips I got from [user deleted] on defense, and tried to mix up playcall and limit predictability. A mixture of these things serviced me greatly, as greenbitch threw 4 picks, and my defense was ridiculously dominant.”


3. Did the roaches from your PS4 help you on the sticks?


A: “If there were roaches in my PS4, it wouldn’t be working. I am planning on delving into a serious lawsuit for libel against Seth Greenpenis, as his constant hammering of this false information has gone too far. But to answer your question, yea, they’re great MLB users.”


4. Near the end, the stream cut out (got turned off from embarrassment). What did we miss?


A: “AHAHAHAHAHA. Soooooo I believe it was on the 5 yard line. I got an immediate Saquon TD to make the game 20-17, kicked the ball off to him and he immediately got strip sacks at the 25 (lol), then I took as much time off the clock as possible and kicked a FG. That made it 23-17 with 1:13 left. Seth started off his drive well, getting from the 25 to my 34 in a weird ass fade catch. I then immediately subbed out my 88 speed FS for my 94 speed CB4. Next play he throws a pick to Kyle Gibson, and the game was iced. Without my defense, I don’t think I get that win.”


5. Are the Wizards the team to beat in the NFC East?


A: “That’s hard to say since it’s only Week 1, however, we believe that our SOS has decreased heavily, as we have the opportunity to face off against the AFC South. That will result in 4 free wins to replace the 4 free losses served out by the NFC South. The games against greenfuckingpussy are crucial, and taking the first one may boost us to relevance. I might get more interviews! Watch out for the Bosas tho, that team is dangerous...”


Thanks for the interview Parker! I for one, am eagerly awaiting for the argument in chat to start after Seth reads this.